Archive for Fifth Gear

Fifth Gear’s fraud reporter

Posted in Tagged, TV, Venting with tags , , on July 4, 2009 by Apollo

Ugly female ghostSad to see another episode of Fifth Gear with Johnny Smith still bringing the quality of the program down.

Even the other presenters used the expression “run out of talent” as we saw the lacklustre Smith destroy yet another Smart Car, as he rolled his “wheelie car” onto its roof. Even when his more talented co-presenter landed his larger wheelie car on Smith’s car, he failed to crush Smith’s roll cage with the additional weight. Sadly, some real design failures going on there.

Unfortunately, unlike an earlier incident in a previous series, where one of the other presenters managed to end up with a broken foot after his modified Rascal van had an off, Smith managed to thwart the assassination attempt, as the crew had done an unacceptably responsible job on the Smart’s roll cage, and rather than collapsing in the incident, it stayed complete and protected him.

I guess we can thank Health & Safety for this mistake, and no win no fee claims, which even he would have been able to use if he had been killed.

We were then subjected to his excruciating attempts to be clever, as he tried to make some funny remarks while driving the Ghostbuster’s car.

Laugh? I nearly stopped sticking pins in my eyes just stop the tears so I could see ECTO 1.

The funniest part of the whole thing was the fraud presenter had chosen to invite a psychic to partner him during the piece. A fraud accompanied by a psychic – appropriate or what?

Typical of the pathetic attempts he makes to present a report was the hackneyed and clichéd scene he put together using low-light cameras shooting in the dark in a supposedly haunted room.

That must have taken all of nearly a second to dream up, and then he adds to the insult to our intelligence by trying to convince us that everyone’s really really scared, and that strange things happened in the room.

Please Fifth Gear, just give him the order of the boot, and your standing against Top Gear will take an immediate rise.


Ford Focus RS versus Evo X – tut tut

Posted in Transport with tags , , , , , on June 8, 2009 by Apollo

As Fifth Gear makes its way back onto our screens this week, I thought I might lose my shirt when they placed the Ford Focus RS in a dogfight with the Evo X – suspecting a surprise result, and shaking my head as the two cars don’t belong together in a fair fight, I placed my marker firmly on the Evo X wiping the track with the RS’s upholstry.

They’re different animals, and while I was pleased to see that the Evo technically thrashed the RS by 2 seconds, it wasn’t a fair fight – but that doesn’t make the result any less interesting.

The producers need to find a skip though, and drop the dirty looking little schookid Johnny Smith into it. He always looks as if he needs a wash, and has facial hair that looks as if he draws it on with a magic marker every mornig, to make himself look a bit older.

And, he should have been fired on the spot fro the report he turned in on the V10 Audi R8 with the Lamborghini engine – even the other presenters first remark on his joke of a report on the car was to observe that he never actually drove the car. He might as well have let it roll down a hill and just steered.


I think this every series, and look in dismay when his magic markered face re-appears with the start of a new series. His presentation is lack lustre, and if he’s responsible for thinking up the largely trivial articles he presents, then he’s also guilty of fraud if he’s getting paid for them.

But… Cheapskate – ideal for Johnny Smith.

The first programme ended with the superb Hot Wheels like loop-the-loop stunt completed with the Toyota Aigo – watch again on the Fifth Gear web site.

(I posted the Fifth Gear video of the stunt, but some clown had set it to autorun, so you would be obliged to wait ages for it to buffer up, even if you didn’t wan to watch it, and I noticed it was also wrapped inside sponsor tags,. Since they aren’t paying me to show their adverts, I’m certainly not showing their adverts for free, or letting them steal space or time here).

Congratulations to all the team  – except Mr Smith of course. He should have been standing under the centre of the loop, ready to cushion the car and protect the driver, had they fallen out of the loop.

Johnny Smith go home

Posted in TV, Venting with tags , , , , , on March 23, 2008 by Apollo

dirty lil boyWatching Channel Five’s Fifth Gear motoring programme is becoming really depressing. Woolly mop head Tom Ford is becoming the best full time presenter, as Vicki Butler Henderson’s endless guffaws are becoming more numerous during her reports, and are very tiresome and irritating. However, turn the sound down and her driving is still entertaining, even if you lose the point of the report as a result.

No, the depression comes every week when the pointless Johnny Smith makes his appearance.

What’s he there for?

In terms of intelligence, my cat demonstrates more sense and intelligence than this moron. Ever since he turned up, his items have been characterised as being little more than the rambling of an immature schoolboy, and every time I see him, all I can think of is the time this boy genius bolted a Smart car on to the roof of another Smart car, in the name of making a four-seater, and was then surprised when the pair rolled over as he demonstrated his driving skills.

His items are all in a similar vein, making you wonder how much he is paid to waste the programme’s time.

The thing I’ve never understood is what he thinks he looks like. Generally a shabby mess, he dresses in what looks like clothes rejected by a charity shop, and that they would have burnt as ‘irrecoverable’. From a distance, his face looks as if he sits with a black ‘Magic Marker’ and draws silly shaped sideburns on his cheeks, and a comical sliver of a beard down his chin. The reality is worse, and when the camera offers a closeup, then the result can only be described as horrific. The ‘beard’ and sideburns are real, but his skin looks like something that would send a beautician running for the hills, with the pores blocked solid with blackheads – or at least that’s what the director’s chosen camera shot and angle make it look like like.

No wonder the talent of the show, Tiff Needell and Jason Plato, make light of their appearances, and don’t appear in the main stream, just articles. They’ve probably got terms written in their contract to ensure that the programme is structured such that they remained distanced from direct association with the the other three, which could ruin their credibility… more.

I wish we could get back to simple motoring programmes, where the presenters aren’t chosen to be ‘stars’. Top Gear’s too full of itself and its larger than life presenters, AND has sold out to the cult of celebrity with free publicity for a ‘Star’ every week. Recent addition Vroom Vroom is so puerile, using an assortment of bimbos to flesh out its brainless car tests. The Used Car Road Show largely manages to hit the spot, but suffers some from vacuous moments (the dolly bird and the superfluous auction story each week, where she advises the buyer with gems such as – “Jason says it’s a good idea to start the engine and see of any warning lights come on, and listen to the engine” Duh!), and being stretched to fill an hour long slot. Possibly the best offering that manages to avoid celebrities, not insult the viewer, review real cars -with supercars appearing only occasionally for a little spice – is Pulling Power. The only problem seems to be the director’s overuse of the same piece of musical punctuation and logo between items – it seems to appear every time the presenter paused for breath, and the shortness of the programme. Little time is left for it in a half hour slot once the starting and ending credits and adverts are allowed for, and the ad-break takes place in the middle.